The End of 2010

I am sitting here contemplating all the wonderful things I have experienced over this past year.  I call even the bad wonderful because irregardless it has all lead me to the here and now.   This was a year of intense change, moral testing, great personal growth, strengthened friendships, reconnection of family, and the discovery of true love.  It has forever changed my life.  My bus discovered it liked running on the pavement as opposed to the gravel road I was on before.  I also discovered that I was driving far far too much and have decided to let God take the wheel as much as I can.  Being a passenger and actually watching what is going by makes a huge difference.  It also allows me to see the people standing on the road and it gives me time to observe what they are doing.  This gives me way more control over what I am doing.   Taking the wheel takes away from doing what I should be doing and I have to remind myself of that.

Some of the epiphanies I have had have been truly life changing.  One of the biggest ones on my plate lately is witnessing a rather large amount of people's bad behaviour getting rewarded.  So much so that others around these people continue to enable the behaviour because it is easier than dealing with the fall out.  I have found that people who purposely use people to get what they want are manipulative and controlling and when they don't get what they want, they attack like a cobra to its prey.  They make life miserable for all those around them and they don't care.  I am finding that alot of these people are martyrs, suffer from low self esteem, and have not accomplished much in their lives.  But...I sit back and watch how these people, blame others and guilt those around them so they get what they want.  Funny thing is that the majority of these people are older adults who feel wronged by everyone.  If you have an issue with them they take it as a personal attack.   I am just to a point in my life now that I will not enable this sort of behaviour.  I truly feel bullied by people like this.  If I have an issue I would rather put it on the table and try to find a solution and consensus and move on.  So as part of my New Years Resolution I have vowed to not let people like this to affect my life in any negative way.

I come from a past that wasn't so pleasant.  I have not told my full story to anyone and maybe one day will.. but not today.  I have told portions of my history to those who want to hear about it and end up with eyeballs the size of saucers and jaws dropped to the floor, yet I just shrug and think to myself that God only gave me what I was capable of dealing with, even though some days I almost didn't make it through.  The unfortunate part of a jaded past is that as much as one tries to heal and move on, the mind remembers every single detail and crams it at the back of your mind.   As time moves on it starts to trickle out into your everyday life.  If you are lucky, others that are close to you will recognize it and tell you, and if you are open enough to welcome the criticism, you can make changes.  Sometimes you just don't see it and think "what the hell are they talking about".  I had an episode a few years ago where I was in a situation and a flood of memories came back to me.  It was like I was run over with a tank.  I was so overwhelmed with what I was receiving I did not know how to process it all at once.  I was told it was post-traumatic stress.  What an awful experience it was, but it opened my eyes to how the mind works.  So now I vow that when I have feelings that stem from a past experience I stop, recognize what it is and process it, then endeavor to change my mind set and set those negative emotions free.  If I want to continue to have a healthy emotional state, I have to. I have also decided to make it a personal mission of mine to help those that have gone through similar circumstances to make positive changes in their lives... that is if they are open to help.  The serenity prayer seems to be my mantra as of late:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Through all the mud this year I have managed to find a guiding star.  True love, soulmates, life partner, love at first sight, or whatever you want to call it really does exist.  I have managed to find a relationship where I am eager to be a better person, where mutual respect, unyielding communication, faithfulness, loyalty, absolute trust, and pure honesty are just a few of the key elements.  The biggest lesson I have learned from this relationship is that I never really had faith that it could happen.  As much as I thought it was out there, I settled over and over again.  I liken it to a circle.  All my other relationships may have been 3/4 of that circle and with the other 1/4, I felt that maybe I could overlook it.  But in the end it was that 1/4 that caused the end of the relationship.  Before I met Darryl I was happy with the thought that I may never have my ideal relationship. I had resorted to thinking that I may be alone for the rest of my life.  I decided that I would do things to make me happy rather than "looking" for that right relationship.  Gosh.. I look back and think of all the wasted time I spent trying to find the perfect relationship only to find out that it will happen when it is destined to happen, not when I wanted it to happen, not even when  I put myself in a position to have a greater chance of finding it.  That perfect relationship I had to find was within myself, the relationship I have with "ME". 

I was not expecting what I was hit with...not in a million years. Darryl and I have had conversations about it and we acknowledge that both of us have had to do alot of work on ourselves before we could have ever come to this point in our lives.   I look at other's relationships and I think that is the biggest downfall with people.  They don't hold out for the best possible circumstance, instead they try to force it.   I almost can't even explain it other than this is what history was written about.  I can stand tall and announce that, YES, it is out there for everyone.  You just have to be patient and you have to learn to love yourself completely before you can love someone else.  Most people are not truly happy with who they are and try to be someone they are not.  You will not find true happiness that way.  I can also state that with all the adversity that I have endured, I can still have healthy relationships and that is what I want my children to know.  I have learned that being in a healthy love relationship is like two puzzle pieces.  When fit together they are one, yet they are still each an individual piece.

Darryl and I took a trip to Whistler and spent bringing in the New Year with great friends.  It was time we needed to regroup and focus on us.  We built a connection stronger than either of us ever imagined.  I look forward to amazing future with him, raising our children to know how far a little love, patience and understanding can really go.

Cheers to all with the hopes of a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011!

Bandaids and Boogies

November 9th, 2010 will mark a year since my journey truly began.  All time before that date in 2009 is like a distant memory... a memory of the "old" Christine.  The 9th started a series of events that led me to be confined to a hospital bed for 18 days.  I am lucky to be alive today, I came very close to not gracing this wonderful earth.  A humbling experience it was.. a routine surgery gone wrong.  It forced me to look around me, to examine my surroundings, my relationships, my goals and my dreams.  I looked with a cold eye at the things that the universe had been hitting me over and over with, trying to get my attention.  Now it got my attention and I am listening.  They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  Well.. I found, in particular, the area of my relationships suffering.  The same things were happening and they weren't what I wanted or expected.   So I stopped and looked at my life from the point of an outsider.  What would others see in me that I could not see myself?  I became enlightened like Gandhi, had an epiphany, and started the process of re-arranging my entire life. I had just went back to work at the Board office, so my employment was right on track.  It was a job that I was extremely excited over.  That part of my life was good.  But friendships, love relationships and the relationships with my family was strained.  It wasn't just any one area, but several that I noticed where things were going awry. Hmm... could there be a common thread?  For many years I thought that the loss of my father when I was almost 15 could have been the cause of my failed relationships with men, but if that was the case... why my friendships and my family as well?  No.. there was something more, something deeper.  I had many discussions with friends over the years about this topic and one of the common thoughts were that there are specific building blocks when forming relationships. I examined that line of thought more closely.  I realized that yes, there are specific aspects to a relationship that you need in order for it to run more smoothly, to be healthy.  My Oma and Opa are a huge inspiration to me in the relationship department.  Over the years I have heard my Oma say things like my Opa is her best friend, that in order to stay together couples need to play together, and the big one.... never go to bed mad and always tell your partner you love them regardless of how mad you are at them.   These little insights have stuck with me over the years.  I want a relationship like theirs where no matter what happens, they love each other, where others look at them and use that relationship as an inspiration to model their own after.  Digging deeper into the meaning behind it all I came up with 5 simple building blocks.  These building blocks can be used to gauge any relationship, whether a friendship or a love relationship. 

TRUST, HONESTY, LOYALTY, RESPECT AND COMMUNICATION

Now when I think about the relationships around me I ask myself if they hold up to that standard.  I mean really, why would I be friends with someone I don't trust or doesn't respect me?  What happens when they aren't honest with me and I can't talk to them?  I started the process of gauging all of my relationships around me and soon a fair amount of people started to fall to the wayside.  My dear friend Constance once told me that as we age we become truer to ourselves.  She marvelled at how at my age I have already come to this place in my life.  Maybe it is because my life has never been easy and instead of taking the "Oh poor me" route, I chose to learn from my experiences and environments.  Something that many people neglect to do.  I do not blame anyone for where I am in my life.  In fact, all those experiences, good or bad, have made me the awesome being I am today.  If there is anything I want to pass to my children is the knowledge that being a martyr and blaming others for your life is not a positive way of life.  These are negative notions and can only stifle you from your full potential.  Life is grand and no matter how bad things get, you are only ever dealt with what you can handle.  There have been many times in my life where I hit bottom, sitting at the bottom of the box wondering how I was ever able to get out. I managed to not only get out, but be stronger because of it. Kahlil Gilbran says it best in his book "The Prophet" - The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Now I am embarking on a path in my life where I am the most connected and truest to myself that I have ever been.  I am loving with an open heart and an open mind, I am raising my children to reach their fullest potential, I live by the Golden Rule and by my golden rules, and I let no one change or make me bend my moral or principles.  Peace, love and virtue are mine.  I am achieving a higher sense of self and with that I am able to help others achieve theirs.  What an incredible place to be in. The sky has become bluer, the trees greener, and the flowers more vibrant.  My intuition is at an all-time high and little deception gets by me. I see people for who they really are and love those that fill my life with positive energy.

Life is pretty darn awesome.. and whether a bandaid or a boogy is the only imperfection we see.. a bandaid can be taken off and a boogy can be wiped away.  Life is not as hard as we make it, not if you have a little love, peace and understanding.